Just couldn't explain why i was sick so often, and so frustrated and just feel like crying over the past few months. It could be the new job, the new church, new friends, new colleague, new fellowship, new relationships etc...

I think i'm... i'm homesick...

In all ways, emotional, physical, spiritual, cognitive. Most people describe homesickness as a want or longing to be back home, continuously missing their parents, relatives, friends, mates and aspects of their familiar environments. For me, it's more like a deep sadness, frustration, even anger or hopelessness.

I try to cope it in my own way i think suitable. Which is the technique a good friend and older brother in church taught me, about 10 years back. To stop thinking about something, you simply think about something else.

As usual, i try to stop myself from even having time to think. i coop myself up in the office till at least 10pm, and work till i literally drop dead on my bed, but a part of me yearns for the sound of my irritating samsung phone alarm. Other ways of relieve also come in immersing myself with numerous church projects, whether voluntary or not. and helping people.

Last week has been full of dinners, gathering, birthdays.. and the week ahead as well. but i'm really beginnning to see how empty a life i lead. 90% of of the things i do has got no 'kingdom' value, and out of that probably 50% isn't right, not right in God's sight that is. I'm not sure if things didn't take a drastic turn last year, would i even reflect now? or be lost in service, seeking self-glory, and competing in everything possible.

I'm considering to leave this job i love.. i feel, i love this job more than i love God's work. I see myself trying to please my boss more than trying to please God. I'm taking this job so seriously. It's a place where i try to outdo, surpass people, even without mercy, and compassion. and if i trust in God that he would keep my posessions, including my job, safe. and if i held on to His promise of providence, then i shouldn't worry about tomorrow. Pray for me.

Lord, make me what you want me to be. 'Greater love hath no man, than a man lay down His life for a friend'.. If that is not enough to make me love you, lord, teach me the way i'll learn. I'm not asking to acoomplish only great things for you, but im also asking that you make me faithful in small and personal ways.

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." Philippians 4:8.

Trust that the Lord has been good to all dear friends whom i have not seen for the past few months. Take care.